Forgiveness

Forgivness is a hard thing to do, but is it on the end of the person not being forgiven or the person trying to do the forgiving but getting no response in return. It could be both, but moreso, its the forgiver.

For one to fogive the other the first has to accept the wrong one has done. Admiting wrong is not easy on the mind, soul and moreso, ego. Forgiving someone does not mean one has to forego their pride or their being, it just means it hances one’s being for that one is able to step up and say I was wrong. However, this does not say the other is right. There can be a wrong without there being a right.

I used to hear “I forgive but I don’t forget”. I never understood those words, but now I am older and have to hope for forgiveness from others, I, in a sense understand.

I don’t forgive and I sure as heck don’t forget, but I let things pass. I put incidents in the attic of my mind as a keepsake. I always hope that I can throw away that keepsake, but they aren’t called keepsakes for nothing. There are times I go into the attic to look at things have place up there and it reminds me of why I should not do the things I have done in the past that has caused my attic to become over crowded at times. I have thrown a lot of things away but only because I have promised never to put myself in a situation to where I would have to recall those things. But there are things I like to keep, although do not benefit me, and probably hinder me more, but I keep them just the same.

I believe one has to forgive oneself before one can forgive another. I can’t forgive myself for walking so blinding into landmines and not learning. I will never forgive myself and therefore I won’t be able to forgive others for what they have done to me. And because of this, I am quick to judge the new comers in my life. I am quick to find major faults in minor things. My actions now may have me a lone in my older age, but that’s price one pays for not forgiving.

Tear Stained Eyes, part I

Anne Frank once said, ..”I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” I never thought that way. I always thought people were evil and it’s probably because of the stuff I have had people do to me. I will give two examples.

When I was about to turn 16 I had planned a party for myself (to say the least it didn’t pan out – no surprise there – I can’t plan anything) and had invited people I considered friends. Well one of those so called “friends” called me to tell me she couldn’t make it to the party and here’s the reason she gave. Her and her family had to go pick walnuts. I kid you not…that is what she told me. At that time I didn’t think about, but as I got older and even more so at this point in my life, it plays an important part in my life on how I view people.

The second incident and this what did it for me with regards to friends or rather, why I choose not to have friends or rather, socialize. I am very anti social.

I was going to a state college back in 1995. I was living in a dorm with six other females. I shared a room with this broad named Tina Lopez who went by the name of Tiny. Next to us was a room that had two people. Up stairs there were three rooms – two housed two people while there was a single room. I wanted a single room but sharing made things a little cheaper.

Across the from us, was a number of other dorms. In one particular dorm there was this broad named May. She was a drinker and a drug user. Five of the six people in my dorm really liked her and wanted her to move in the following semester. I was strongly against this because I know that drug users are theives…case and point my former next door neighbor in my old house was a drug user and broke into our house and stole my electric guitar and my mom’s antique jewlry. But I digress. Like I was saying I opposed this strongly.

The semester prior to me arriving they had an incident that took place in which the accused was never punished. Because of this, everybody was in an uproar and it was the talk of the school. The broads I was rooming with new this and thus decided they would get me out of the dorm by accusing me of something and that was threatening to kill them.

How that happened: In the living we would all get together and play Uno (I actually hate the game now but will play it) and at that time Metallica’s Enter Sandman came out. In that song, there’s the line “Sleep with one eye open.” When a card was drawn on me to choose 7 cards or something like that I would sing…SING sleep with one eye open. These broads took that and ran with it. They drew up a letter and signed it saying I had threatened each of them. I was brought before the dean of students for questioning. I was removed from the dorm by security. I was humiliated like nothing you can imagine. I had people that were willing and did speak to the dean of students on my behalf, but because they weren’t in the room when everything took place, they were considered witnesses. It was five against one. Well, I was kicked out of the school and only allowed to return on certain conditions. Those conditions will never be met because it will be a cold day in hell before I step foot on that campus again.

When I returned home (Solano county) I didn’t talk to anyone for almost five months. Literally didn’t talk to anyone. Also, since that incident, I swore I would never put myself in the position to let something like that happen to me again. And it hasn’t.

It hasnt’ been until recently that I have tried to open myself to new people and perhaps make some friends to hang with. I tried that once last year only to have one of them try to get me in trouble at work. I let it go, but never forgave that person nor her crew and thus I have not hung with them since nor do I make an attempt to visit them.

I have also had another incident happen to me a few weeks ago that has caused me to retreat to my old self.

Tear Stained Eyes, part II

In November 2006 I saw Cool Hand Luke. There’s a famous quote that has come from that movie in which the warden says “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” This is what causes discord between people, the “failure to communicate.” I am guilty of doing it many times. I have done it to two people here on myspace. I would rather not speak to you than to say what’s bothering me…not a good thing to do…sometimes. When I feel that I have done something to someone and I care enough about them I will ask what I have done or said and try to correct the situation. Most of the time it works. Where it doesn’t work is when the other person tells you everything is cool and I haven’t done anything.

‘I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” Nietzsche

There are two things in this world I cannot tolerate and that’s stupidity and lies…bold face lies. We all tell little lies here and there but to bold face lie is something totally different. As kids we’ve told bold face lies to our parents. It was our job and it was their job to find out the truth and then beat the crap out of us. But as we get older we are supposed to know better because now the feelings of others are invovled.

I have been told by others that they have been burned by people and thus would never do it anyone because they remember how they felt when it happened to them. I have learned how untrue those words are. And I am still learning how untrue those words are.

“And if your friend does evil to you, say to him, ”I forgive you for what you did to me, but how can I forgive you for what you did to yourself?” Nietzsche

When I was forming friendships, rather, trying to form friendships of late, I have sacrificed a great deal of myself to do so. I go back to the days of innocence when friendships meant something to people even if it was in the beginning stages. That innocence is quickly shattered by the quickness and boldness of the lies told to one another. But I have learned its not a lie until the truth is told to you. On 18 November 2006 a lie was told to me, but I didn’t think it was a lie until truth reared its ugly head a few days later.

I tried with all my might to find justification for the lie. I would be satisfied with my findings for a brief moment until I realized that its not the liar I am kidding but myself and in doing so I am cheating myself of pride.

The lie that was told has now turned into two lies and none of them from me.

I have heard this symphony so many times that I hear it before the conductor takes to the podium. However, I will never allow the symphony to be played ever again. A lesson well taught is a lesson well learned.

“The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived.” Oscar Wilde